Had it gone right...

I would have been sitting in the exam hall, writing the first paper for the A level today. But no, just like a coward, I decided to pull out at the last minute. Life is funny, isn't it? For many days, you find yourself cruising along the highway at great speed, then suddenly, a hiccup appears and you're forced to screech to a halt.

When I woke up this morning, if things had gone smoothly for me, I should be packed with anxiety, wondering what the first paper for the A level will be like. But no, I woke up, feeling like it was any other day. Today is a very significant day, or at least it should have been. Strangely, I've managed to cope with this well. No one really asked how I feel, actually. I know many are dying to ask, they just don't know how to put it. I've some friends in college whom I hold on to closely and dearly. I've never told them about my decision, even till now. I don't know how to tell them, after being together for so long, having so much fun and tough times together, finding trust in one another, I somehow reason it out myself. Sometimes, what hurts the most, what makes words most difficult to say, is having to say them to those who matter the most, those who care for you the most. And you know who you are. You are the one best friend I've ever had, and yet I have never found the courage to tell you my decision. I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark about this.

At 1:37pm today, a message came through from you, asking if I was coming. I've had many friends, a lot of them. But deep down, I know you are the one whom I can call a true friend. Every time trouble finds me, you will be the first to ask where I am, or if something is happening that I didn't turn up for classes, etc. I want to apologize. For the fact that I didn't tell you, my best friend, about my own selfish personal decision. I've seen the times when you cried, I've cheered you up on the times you were down. But I'd never let anyone do the same to me. I've never cried in front of anyone in college, never. And you have always thought I was the strongest person you ever met. And so did everyone else. I hide away all my lousy feelings and only show the good ones. This year was especially hard for me. A lot of things happened, that it'd probably take me 5 good years to finish narrating all that has happened.

Amidst all the sadness, there is still a blessing in disguise. I found you, my best friend, ever. And finally after 2 good years, a proper blog post.