"why're you so dumb?"

this line. yes. thats what my sis said to me the moment i stepped into my house.

since young, she has always been my guardian angel. the one who provides advice and lends me a shoulder to lean on in times of need. really in need. partly because i'm always the easy target, the one who gives in to others easily. but then i dont say a word and just resigned. i couldnt fight back, i wouldnt argue, i just let life have its way. but then again,she was always there to pick me up. encouraging me to go on, to gain more experience and the "taste of life". as the years come and go, i'm finally 13 this year. its high time i should venture out of this world full of complexity, complications and rejection. yet throughout my lifetime i still hadnt gained any experience, what more the taste of life. i still need her to be by my side. to guide me through the long journey, to share my joys and most importantly, to hear me pour out my sorrows. i still remember that whenever troubles come finding me and she wasnt there, i was like a little child. no weapons, no skills, no nothing. i was so vulnerable that i could die anytime if anyone just shoots me with a gun. and what i would do when she wasnt with me when i need her is that i would just go into the shower and let the water run down while i broke down and cry. i used to do that. i still do so now, once in a while. and today, i did it again. she always told me to take my own stand and not relent easily. once she told me,"you just have to live by your own principle."

i figure that instead of me controlling my life, my life is controlling me. i cant seem to change anything. worst, i have a principle, but i dont really know how to "live by it". true. i'm dumb. thats why i need her. i cant afford losing my sis. i dont even mind if she controls my life. but i mind if others do so. i always take life the hard way. i know someday, i would really need to "grow up" and lead my own life.

and today she told me,"its better to lose it now than later since you know you gonna lose it eventually."

yes, i guess its time for me to lose it. i shouldnt be so dumb to hold on to it anymore.

so incredible the way things work themselves out.