HMT paper today. sucks big-time. not the paper but my stupid, idiotic and simply brainless brain. i cant process anything. imagine getting only 1/4 of the questions in the paper correct. i got a C5 for the previous paper i expected to fair well in this term's paper. my target is at least a B3. but now i guess i wont even give a damn should i get a B4 or C5 or worse still C6. the paper was easy. the difficult part was my low IQ knowledge of chinese vocab and language. i understood fully the passage, what all the stuff and questions in the paper were asking for. but somehow, i just cant get the perfect, accurate, and 100% correct answer. i know i got it wrong cuz my HMT teacher had gone through the answers with us during the HMT period today. no matter what, i would still insist that the paper was easy but i could not answer the questions. if i were still in term2, i wouldnt mind getting C5 cuz i wasnt that INTERESTED then. since the start of the new school term, i paid extra attention in lessons, even made the extra effort to jot down notes but to no avail. i would be "demoted" to normal chinese classes should my current standard continues. basically during the whole HMT lesson today, i wasnt even bothered to pay any attention to what the teacher says. i was determined to be "heck-care". cuz i was already saddened, demoralised, and traumatised by the fact that my paper is gonna be a flunk. i'm afraid i wouldnt be able to secure even a B4. my hopes are not that high for HMT paper. just a B, low B to be exact, and i would be overjoyed. heh. i'm easily satisfied. i dont want to languish in the "C" group. cuz if i were to improve, the next aim should be at the very least a B4.

here are some questions i pondered during the HMT lesson. its a bit ridiculous and unreasonable, but it just came through my mind. and yes i even wrote down my feelings on the HMT textbook itself. so here goes:

-i dont give a fucking fly even if i'm a loser cuz i'll still end up losing everything.

-but no matter how much effort i put in, i still ended up being a loser of all losers.

-why study when others who dont revise can do as well? [this is ridiculous. i mean my thinking]

-why chinese?

-i know my chinese sucks.

-loser. like i care. but i actually do.

-it's not worth to stretch beyond my limits.

-it's not b'cuz i dont want, it's b'cuz i cant.

-in the end, i'm still an all-time loser.

-and yes, i lost everything.

-HMT is not for me. it would only make me look more like a loser.[this thought shouldnt have come across me. its a bastard thought. HMT is good for you. but not for me. so dont hold this kind of unhealthy perception. i dont want to influence you guys]

-i'm not a loser b'cuz i quit. i quit b'cuz i'm already a loser. [i like this line. it suits my personality]

enough about this HMT worries. i should focus on the upcoming papers ahead. anyway, i headed over to melissa's house with cheryl and amelia after school. there, we watched some TV, which does not at all interest me.

at around 3pm, headed down to the basketball court to play a bit of soccer and basketball of course. i played till i sweated real hard. and panted. i was really out of breath. but i persisted. i dont care. melissa, cheryl and amelia then proceeded to rollerblading. i carried on with my ball play. i kicked the ball. bounced it. and do the usual stuffies.

at the end of the day, one thought hit me: the ball is round. therefore it can rebounce. a rebounce would mean the ball has not been shot into the basket successfully. all i got to do is to pick up the ball and try, not by luck, but with skill. but i guess, you still needa bit of luck.

i tried to implant that kind of perception towards my HMT learning, or to put it, towards my learning, but it will still be of no use. people always say that thinking positively is the best way to success. but then its not that i always think negatively. its b'cuz i have thought POSITIVELY the WHOLE time. its no use. you try it. there is simply no use thinking positively. i always thought the negative way when i was young, but then i still faired well. not well but ok for my standard. haha.

but the ball is, afterall, ROUND. thats the fact. i mean you got to be realistic. so i have learnt to face the whole ordeal. i rely a bit on my "heck-care" attitude. heh.

thats all.

`i'm not a loser b'cuz i quit. i quit b'cuz i'm already a loser...