went for Math Trail yesterday. nothing much. we won the consolation prize. damn. another group of pupils from our school "stole" our position! they earned 14 ponits in all. so did we. and we were way faster than them. when we consulted the judges, they said the winner was decided from how well we have done our LAST 2 QUESTIONS!!! NOT TIME. goddammit.

we returned to school around 6pm. so i loitered in and out. and suddenly saw wee chong and marven heading to school to. then one event led to another and eventually we were being "counselled" by ms lo for not attending CCA. weechong was the one who bade boodbye to ms lo, so she would notice him. she thought it strange that weechong did not attend NPCC. ms lo was the teacher in charge. so she probed him for more. then i also admitted that i dont attend redcross practice. she talked me out of it. said it is important for me to go back. i told her i would feel kinda "out" if i were to go back after so many months. she then said,"maychin, is it more important to go back to red cross or you let your pride overcome you?"

i was speechless. numb. i did not say a thing. what was i supposed to say? my heart aches at that moment. it still does now. i could feel myself crying "inside". why. i still cant pick up the pieces and go back to red cross. i want to go back. but something told me not to. something, which i am not sure of its identity. then after i calm myself down i fired out ms lo,"i'm sure if you were me, you wouldnt have the courage to go back. dont you?"

"why?" she asked. now i was really really speechless. she won by all means. i dont want to make a surprise return. i feel like dying. teachers tried their best to talk me back into going to redcross. but i just wont heed their advice.

yesterday geography lesson was the worst. we told the teacher her way of teaching was lousy. she argued. i dont care. she denied. so we had no choice. she said it was our attitude. we dont feel like reading the text from the slides. it wasnt. it was because there were too much text. if she feels that it was our attitude towards learnng that was wrong, let it be. i dont give a damn now. really, let it be. so what if the teacher hates me? or hates my few friends who were involved in the arguing? SERIOUSLY, i dont care. the damage is already done. what do you expect me to do? i have got something more important to worry than this. i mean this is important but its importance dont stretch to the limits. if she was in anyway hurt by our remarks, then i apologise. i know that by doing this our reputations were at stake but it was on the spur-of-the-moment. my brother told me i was created lots of troubles for him. teachers and friends questioned him regarding my abstinence for redcross practice. and now this arguing matter with teacher. kill me but i can still say i dont care. my lifes falling apart anyways. my brother said i was becoming more and more like my sis. said i dont have any mannerism for teachers. blame me all he can. i know i know, i was the one who stirred up all these troubles for him. anyway, it doesnt really affect him. i lead my life, he leads his. he dont really need to care so much for me. yes, its heartwarming to hear of someone who still cares for you when your world's falling apart but then it's not for me. i have inflicted lots of "harm" to others. i always do things on impulse. i tried changing but to no avail. CCA and teachers and stuffs are really taking my life away. let me breathe for just a second. he told me lots of teachers know about me not attending CCA. i guess he told his former friend about it. then it sort of leaked out to teachers.

'my life is in a mess.
'call me a retard.